LWOT : The World s Greatest Fiction Magazine
The next worst TV show

 

Canadian broadcasters have a proud history of producing an eclectic range of mediocre television programming.

From Katts and Dog to Emily of New Moon, Canadian TV has recycled plots and actors for our viewing tolerance, providing us with countless hours of background noise between higher quality programs from south of the border and across the pond.

From the mind of Jesse Betteridge comes the next great Canadian TV show.
 

 

 

No Purchase Necessary

Summary: Forced to abandon his job after having his life put in jeopardy, Corwin A. Chesterfield, the unstable man responsible for writing all of the skill-testing questions, which ensure that contests in this great nation can never be games of chance, has now become a vagabond. As he wanders from town-to-town in Northern B.C. to save his own life, he uses his obsession with basic arithmetic to bring extreme justice to those who think they can succeed through chance alone.

Corwin A. Chesterfield: Ross Hull of Are You Afraid of the Dark fame emerges from his current job at the Weather Network to play the neurotic, antisocial math fetishist who is the star of our show. Although he's not always necessarily good at advanced math himself, he is constantly devising equations, which he uses to assess the personalities of others, as opposed to conventional interaction of any kind. He constantly spouts out rhetoric about life being a game of skill rather than a pure game of chance. The townspeople often dismiss this as incoherent babbling, but by the resolution of each episode always open their eyes to the message of skill and hard work that he tries to convey.

He is often known to let his obsession with skill over chance escalate into acts of extreme violence as he unleashes vengeance upon those who exploit the latter. In situations like this, his catchphrase is "You ain't eligible in this province'. (Followed by deadly blow.)

Inspector Rutherford: The police detective trying to locate Corwin as he travels from town-to-town, as portrayed by Walter Massey. He wants to offer Corwin protection and usually comes close to finding him in each episode, but due to conflicting shooting schedules is always one step behind and never actually encounters him. He is essentially the exact same character that Walter Massey always plays in everything.

Patrick Artichoke: The main villain of the series, as portrayed by Matt Frewer. He is the brooding mastermind who forced Corwin into his virtual exile. The association of his scheming and malicious character type with a vengeful Curling Club rarely seems logical, but is played straight regardless.

Pilot Summary: The episode opens in a small Northern B.C. town which is actually Kamloops . (In fact, every location we see in future episodes is just Kamloops with the signs changed.) The first half focuses on a fraudulent unauthorized lottery being conducted within the town. The organizer Nathan Ogliville (played by Colin Mochire who serves as the celebrity draw for the first episode - in case you're wondering, subsequent episodes fail to live up to this kind of celebrity appeal) is allowing certain individuals win, supposedly by chance. That is until Corwin steps in and uses his amazing powers of basic arithmetic to expose the vast improbability of five people consistently winning the lottery every week over the course of two years. After exposing it as a laundering operation, Corwin tracks down Nathan and puts him through a nasty implied beat-down, which would've been rather tricky and time-consuming to actually film.

In the last third of the episode Rutherford arrives in the town only to hear stories about the amazing truths, which Corwin has uncovered. Frustrated, he opts to explain Corwin's tragic past: his unassuming life as an equation-writer was put in danger by a murderous Curling Club whose contest funding was squandered due to a confusingly-written test of skill that cost them their winnings. After a mathematical death threat is found written out across the local curling rink (in blood), Corwin high-tailed it away from his job and life.

The episode ends with a badly bruised Nathan answering to his totally coincidental big boss: Mr. Patrick Artichoke. It seems that chance may have finally gotten the best of Corwin. Of course, that connection will be pointed out through an overbearing narration by Doc Harris, since we can't just leave viewers to draw such a conclusion on their own. Right?

Table of Contents
 
Back to Current Issue