Ninjas! (And What I Would Do)

1. Elementary school cafeteria, the hard glint of steel grows out of the shadows, recess monitors are no match for flicker-snick katana attacks (cough up milk through my nose, scramble underneath the table.)

2. Video arcade, parents are off shopping for shelves, an overdose of Skittles and Orange Julius combined with the blinking lights causes pixilated ninjas to crawl out of the machine in front of me and speak in a language I don't understand and yet sounds oddly familiar (collapse on video arcade floor, nearly swallow my tongue.)

3. State fair, a lone figure can barely be seen perched atop the roller coaster, then a thousand black shapes flutter down like ashes, heads explode like overripe watermelons and the calliope music plays on long after everything else is silent (vomit up two corn dogs and a deep-fried Snickers bar.)

4. High school prom, during a slow dance the tiny clink of ninja grappling hooks is drowned out by hormones and Bryan Adams, the windows burst in and then there is the screaming and oh Christ it's a goddamned slaughterhouse down here (attempt to wheedle "You don't want to die a virgin, do you?" sex out of my prom date.)

5. Gas station, kusara kama neatly hacks through a black rubber hose, gasoline gushes everywhere, inside the owner tries to duck underneath the counter and abruptly reels backwards, a ninja star blooming out of his throat (drive car away very quickly, watch plume of flame erupt in rear-view mirror, scan newspaper for mention the next morning, find nothing.)

6. Bedroom, ninjas are going through my drawers, early morning light actually making their black costumes stand out against the wood grain and paint (close my eyes, count to ten, open them and see nothing, resolve to see doctor and start taking multi-vitamins, for real this time.)

7. Bathroom mirror, shaving, realizing my own face is covered in midnight-black cloth, strapped to my shoulder is a shoku, my hand carries a kunai, my feet are covered in ninja spikes, and I can move with the wind and the night (leap out of the window, rebound off the neighbor's wall, two back flips until I am on top of the house, bounding across the rooftops, I meet my enemies like a hawk diving into a flight of swallows.)